Are we there yet?

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When I was a married woman, my life seemed to fit into this perfectly wrapped box. It was a package deal. All inclusive. The corners of that box were dented and rough along the edges, but the contents never changed. I knew exactly what was expected of me, day after day. 

The list: Get married ✔️, Finish college ✔️, Establish a career ✔️, settle down somewhere ✔️, buy a house (negative), have kids (negative). 

That didn’t all work out exactly as described in the package I purchased. After all, I was just 19 and the whole package was only $50, limo included. “What did you expect..”they say. “It’s Vegas!” Biggest gamble and lesson of my life by far. However, I can honestly say I’ve  never been more grateful for such a disappointment.

No, the white picket fence dream was never mine. It was never meant for me, and that’s ok. I know that now. I’ve known that for a while.

Today, I have the best friends you could ask for, a beautiful, warm home to live in, a car that still runs efficiently after 10 years, 2 college degrees ( and the loans to prove it). I’m even blessed somehow with an amazing man who treats me like some form of an endangered species! ❤

 I have a great career, one that I’m proud of and one that I could actually retire from. Yes, it’s exhausting but that’s because I actually care about what I do. I’ve traveled some, I’ve grown some. In all calculated aspects, I am pretty damn happy! Anyone who knows me at all knows that I have fought like hell to get here. Everything I have, I have built for myself, from myself.

So why do I feel so lost here by myself? Where am I going? Am I there yet…?

That’s the funny thing about once you get everything you THOUGHT you ever wanted. You are all packed up in the car and you’re just sitting behind the steering wheel with absolutely no other destination. You didn’t actually plan to get this far!  You just thought having all of the parts would make the journey complete. 

” If I could just get this one job….” 

” If I can just ace this last class…”

” If I could just find a place that feels like home…”

” If I made just a little more money…”

” If I found the perfect guy..”

Now what? 

Where the hell am I going and will I even know when I finally get there? These are the questions I ponder. These are the things I don’t say out loud. These are my first world problems. Is everything perfect in my life? Not even close! But then again, that’s what makes it mine.

Truthfully, it’s not really about where you end up is it? It’s more about the journey itself. Who we meet, who we become, what we learn along the way, the way we DO better once we KNOW better.

 I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m enjoying the sound of things not meant for me lost in the wind. I’m pleased with my present company, and excited for wherever we end up. I’m actually happily incomplete. 

So the next time you think to yourself; ” If I could just lose weight…” ” If I could just have a baby..” ” If I could just do more… be more..”. Imagine you have it. You have all of it. Now what? 

None of it will make you anymore complete because most things we think that we need are only souvenirs, or small pieces to the big never ending map of life. Some pieces are huge! Friends, family, heartache, love, loss; everything else,we could live without and end up on the same journey, just a little less distracted by all the What Ifs…

Xoxo 

The Story Is The Same

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We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell; just different devils.

Wowza! I was very impressed with the response to my last post “A letter to my Ex-Husband”. I received several messages from people thanking me for putting this out there. It’s a good reminder that we are all in this life together. Even though we may feel completely alone at times, that is not the case. There is someone out there at this very moment who has gone through or is going through the same thing as you. Maybe the details and characters are different, but in the end, the story is always the same.

Some people ask me if I worry about sharing such private details on a very public blog. No. I do not worry. I’ve always been a little uncensored and if you give me a glass of wine, I’d end up telling you everything anyway. Trying to pretend that your life is perfect or somehow different from what you are actually going through doesn’t matter to anyone, especially yourself. To worry about what people think just because you have the balls to put yourself out there is about as pointless as worrying if someone can see your bra strap slipping. You still have to wear the bra, and at least everyone knows you have one on!

The blog is called Living Out Loud for that reason. I am proud of it. It’s not about followers or attention, I do it because it’s a way for me to speak when I have something to say and it’s a good way to reach people who might otherwise not know about my awesomeness or their awesomeness. YOU are awesome by the way, in case no one has told you lately.

If you are reading this, I am so happy you are here.

xoxo

❤ Kat

A letter to my Ex-Husband

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So many women and men in my life right now are struggling with their relationships. They struggle with staying or leaving. They struggle to build trust, respect or just to find that love that used to be there. They struggle with feeling worthless and confused. It is for this reason that I am publishing the following letter. This is a very personal letter that I wrote today upon realizing it had been two years since I was where some of you are. I just hope this moves you, inspires you, or at least lets you know it’s not the end.

Two years ago today, I decided to let you walk away. This time, I nailed the door shut. I duck taped the corners so your shadow couldn’t peek through.

I didn’t give up, I had just had enough. Enough of begging you to stay, enough of watching you pack and unpack. Enough of being made to feel the way I gave you the power to make me feel. Enough.

You always told me I would be lost without you, that if it weren’t for you who knows where I would be. You used to say that you “made me” and “Just remember how far you’ve come…”, that was your favorite lie.

Well, we both know the only thing you ever made was a real fucking mess. You certainly made one out of me. I’m still cleaning it up. Nine years in a storm takes time to recover from, but things are looking brighter every day.

Truth is, you wouldn’t recognize me if I passed you on the street. You see… these days I walk with my head held high and my heels higher. I take care of my body, my mind, and nobody loves me as much as I love me. I laugh loud and obnoxiously. I sing. I dance. I love like crazy! I EAT. I SLEEP. I DRINK. I travel without permission and I fill my heart with things you told me I’d never have. My debts are paid, emotionally and financially.

Yes, I’m still always late for everything because of who I am as a person.I still hold open doors, give strangers a ride to the store and stop to feed those “bums” on the street. Not because I’m stupid, but because that’s how people SHOULD treat people.

Yes, I still struggle with anxiety and depression, but those things will always be a part of me and I love that about me too. There is strength in weakness.

I still go to church even though I’m not perfect, because God doesn’t need me to be perfect. He just needs me to be good, and I am good. I am beautiful, strong and growing. I’m growing into all the things you wouldn’t recognize in me. The things that have always been there in the first place, they just needed to be let into the light.

The best part of my life today is that I am never as lonely as I was with you. The thing about being dead is you don’t know your dead. I am not dead anymore. I am at peace and I have so much love from my friends and family that it overflows from my heart and it spreads into the lives of those around me. I am better. I am living. Ultimately, I have you to thank for that.

Thank you for the pain. Thank you for walking away. Thank you for the lies, the apologies, the tears. Thank you for breaking me down into pieces so that I could build myself back up again. Thank you for rock bottom. Thank you from the depths of my crazy, imperfect, beautiful soul. I wish you all of the happiness in this world.

Respectfully, 

The one you made.

katvaldez