Own Who You Are

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It is a terribly tragic thing; the way a person can become so familiar with abuse throughout a lifetime, that even long after the escape, they fall so quickly back into the darkness at their very own leaping, as if their heart had never been dancing in the light before. 

Yet, how beautiful it is to be lifted up everyday by people who know you better than you know yourself. People who see you fall and help you get back up. How wonderful it is, to have someone call you out on your own shit. To remind you of your worth with an inside joke, a smile, a kiss, a text, a rose 🌹. Whatever it is, these people are your tribe.

I guess some of us really do get that lucky. If you are that lucky, thank your tribe and help them back up too. 

If you find yourself back in the darkness and you have not found your luck yet, may I take a moment to call you out on your own shit, and remind you how hard you have fought every single day before this one. How your track record of bad days is actually pretty fucking stellar and the fact that you keep forgetting that is the only thing making today even more exhausting.

You aren’t perfect and you don’t need to be. Stop trying to look and act like the rest of the world. For in your imperfections, you are MORE than perfect. You are a work of art, and this life is your very own canvas. A limited edition, by yours truly.

While you may not be able to leave this museum you find yourself bounded to by life’s etching, you sure as hell can paint it any color that you’d like! You can even break down a wall every once in a while and let in a little bit of light. 

After all, you do own the place. 

Xoxo 

Kat

Kat On a Hot Tin Roof

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What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof,  I wish I knew.... just staying on it, I guess, as long as she can.:

 

Fear.

It is the ultimate barrier between you and everything you have ever wanted. It is the top enabler of invisible limitations and my own personal favorite… procrastination! It fuels doubt and insecurity like a well oiled machine. Fear finds its way into your mind and your heart even when you sleep. It is relentless. That son of a bitch!

My first race of the summer is this Friday. Twilight 12k which is in celebration of the upcoming summer solstice. For those of you who may experience normal sunrise and sunset in the summer time, solstice for Alaska means … YAY FOR MIDNIGHT SUNSETS!!

Evening Glow Sunset - Alaska P.s. simple quest for everyone) Why did Bill die?:

A 12k is about 7.5 miles. The race is at 7:00pm in downtown Anchorage. That all sounded doable about a month ago.

That was a bad idea. I am in NO way ready to run 7.5 friggin miles…. I needed to boost my workouts last week and get some good 5 mile runs in at the very least to feel even close to ready! That was my plan to conquer this weeks goal. That WAS my plan!

So, of course, right on cue…(whenever I have an upcoming goal) I took ill. Yep, so sick to my stomach I slept for 2 days and couldn’t eat anything for the first day at all. No significant illness could be detected. I had no fever or anything like that, I just felt like I had been hit by a truck and then it came back for me a few times… just to make sure I knew where my place was. That place was in the dark and buried under covers on the 2 prettiest days we’ve had so far. I missed a week worth of runs. That’s 20 miles or more.

I do recall being fairly anxious the week before, dizzy when running, forgetting to eat the right things..” Oh wow… did I just have bacon and wine for dinner again? Dammit!”

Even though that fits right into my calorie goal if I do it right, that is not exactly a runners diet. Bacon is awesome! Don’t get me wrong here, I’m fairly confident that bacon with wine is the answer to all the problems in the world. However, I do know better. Eggs, tuna, quinoa, kale, lean protein, whole grain bread and fruit. That’s what I’m supposed to stick to, and most days I have! Except for well…  Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday and most Friday nights!

My point is, I am not where I should be for this race. I am not where I wanted to be physically. I didn’t change enough of my habits to get there and in a way I probably made myself sick cutting out the right foods so I could fit in the wrong ones. This did not help me get ready. This did not properly fuel my workouts. My choices were not the best. Getting sick is not the only excuse I have. I have millions of excuses. Good ones too! I won’t list them here. No, I’m not cancelling the run even though if we are being perfectly honest… I want to. I want to throw myself down a flight of stairs instead of climbing set after set to build up my glutes!

Why? Because I am scared. I have never done this before!The most I have ever run in a race is a 5k. Those are simple and over fast, like a good one night stand! In and out, nothing to gain and nothing to lose. These runs are different. These runs require commitment to the distance. A few extra miles have never seemed so long to me. I am scared. I am scared I will fail, I am scared I will be last, and mostly I am scared about what that means for all the other goals I have set for myself. Am I aiming too high? Do I ask too much of myself? Should I set limits? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers.

I do know I am running this race Friday the best that I can. I do know I will likely be slower than most people there. I know the weekend after that I’m running 5 miles for breast cancer fundraising. The week after that it’s 13 miles for the Mayor’s Annual Marathon. 13 miles is only half. The fear continues, but so do I.

That’s the important part I guess. Trust me, when I’m at the gym running in front of other people or on a trail, I do not feel like a gazelle when I am doing it. I feel like an obese cabbage patch doll who just ate nachos. (Damn I love nachos..) I DO want to give up, I DO want to stop. The only problem with that is I want to succeed more. I want to finish more than I want to give up.

So think of me this Friday night when you are out with friends or relaxing at home, think of me as I move at turtle pace mile after mile. My thighs are already killing me from the stairs I climbed today and my ass feels like a brick HOUSE. Even so, I’ll be there. No matter how slow I go, I’ll be faster than the couch.

A little more confidence, a little less fear. Day by day. Race by race. I got this… 

xoxo

46 Quotes From Reddit That Will Change Your Life For the Better: Words can move you, make you happier, and motivate you.

 

 

 

 

Baggage

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After two years of traveling solely around my home state of Alaska and the occasional trip to Seattle, I am well overdue for a REAL vacation. The kind that requires a bathing suit and sunscreen. The kind where I eat something other than chicken breast and spinach. The kind that involves quality time with family and friends abroad. Yes, the time has finally arrived to enjoy all of these things and more! To say that I am excited would be the understatement of the year. I am ecstatic! I am ready!!!

Well…almost.

Who else thinks shoes shouldn’t count as an additional carry on? They are part of the outfits stuffed away in the suitcase. It’s not my fault they can’t fit in that same suitcase. I can never choose just a few. What if I only have heels, but I realize I would like to do a bit of sight seeing and need boots? What if by some miracle I actually decide to exercise on vacation and do not have my favorite running shoes?! What if I need black peep toe heels for one dress but I can’t wear black with my coral dress and… Oy vey…the list goes on and on!

Somewhere between the 4 pairs of boots and the 5 different shades of heels, I said to myself ..”How ridiculous!” I realized I always over pack. Not only for travel, but in every day life. We carry so much on our minds, on our to do list, in our car, in our back packs. We shop and we buy more things to put on our minds and more things to go in our bags. More weight. Yet, we are always trying to “lighten the load”, lose the weight, relax more, worry less. Yes, how ridiculous indeed!

Today was costume day at my place of work. I must have had at least 3 bags, not including my purse, for ONE simple costume. One for shoes of course, one for makeup (because I have to touch up and make my cheeks an extra pink mid-day), one for the costume itself in a completely separate bag (because God forbid anything rub off on it and leave me with a stained Dorothy from Oz Nylon dress…), and then of course my purse, my work stuff. Please don’t even ask what is in my purse. I am that friend that can pull out a cardigan, antibacterial wipes, lip gloss, a wine opener and a full bottle of wine all at the same time!

While there is some good to being overly prepared, it usually backfires on us one way or another. We pack too many bags then stress out about losing them. We pack everything we didn’t need and forget the most important things! This happens to me a lot. Perhaps this is a great opportunity to lose a little weight. To simplify things. To just… relax. I have much less in my suitcase at this point and have narrowed down my shoes from 12 pairs to 6.

I’ll update you on how that turned out after I get back! I’ll be gone for about 2 weeks, returning with lots of pics and stories I am sure. Strange how those are the lightest things we often bring back with us from our travels, but they always seem to last the longest too.

xoxo

The Story Is The Same

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We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell; just different devils.

Wowza! I was very impressed with the response to my last post “A letter to my Ex-Husband”. I received several messages from people thanking me for putting this out there. It’s a good reminder that we are all in this life together. Even though we may feel completely alone at times, that is not the case. There is someone out there at this very moment who has gone through or is going through the same thing as you. Maybe the details and characters are different, but in the end, the story is always the same.

Some people ask me if I worry about sharing such private details on a very public blog. No. I do not worry. I’ve always been a little uncensored and if you give me a glass of wine, I’d end up telling you everything anyway. Trying to pretend that your life is perfect or somehow different from what you are actually going through doesn’t matter to anyone, especially yourself. To worry about what people think just because you have the balls to put yourself out there is about as pointless as worrying if someone can see your bra strap slipping. You still have to wear the bra, and at least everyone knows you have one on!

The blog is called Living Out Loud for that reason. I am proud of it. It’s not about followers or attention, I do it because it’s a way for me to speak when I have something to say and it’s a good way to reach people who might otherwise not know about my awesomeness or their awesomeness. YOU are awesome by the way, in case no one has told you lately.

If you are reading this, I am so happy you are here.

xoxo

❤ Kat

A letter to my Ex-Husband

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So many women and men in my life right now are struggling with their relationships. They struggle with staying or leaving. They struggle to build trust, respect or just to find that love that used to be there. They struggle with feeling worthless and confused. It is for this reason that I am publishing the following letter. This is a very personal letter that I wrote today upon realizing it had been two years since I was where some of you are. I just hope this moves you, inspires you, or at least lets you know it’s not the end.

Two years ago today, I decided to let you walk away. This time, I nailed the door shut. I duck taped the corners so your shadow couldn’t peek through.

I didn’t give up, I had just had enough. Enough of begging you to stay, enough of watching you pack and unpack. Enough of being made to feel the way I gave you the power to make me feel. Enough.

You always told me I would be lost without you, that if it weren’t for you who knows where I would be. You used to say that you “made me” and “Just remember how far you’ve come…”, that was your favorite lie.

Well, we both know the only thing you ever made was a real fucking mess. You certainly made one out of me. I’m still cleaning it up. Nine years in a storm takes time to recover from, but things are looking brighter every day.

Truth is, you wouldn’t recognize me if I passed you on the street. You see… these days I walk with my head held high and my heels higher. I take care of my body, my mind, and nobody loves me as much as I love me. I laugh loud and obnoxiously. I sing. I dance. I love like crazy! I EAT. I SLEEP. I DRINK. I travel without permission and I fill my heart with things you told me I’d never have. My debts are paid, emotionally and financially.

Yes, I’m still always late for everything because of who I am as a person.I still hold open doors, give strangers a ride to the store and stop to feed those “bums” on the street. Not because I’m stupid, but because that’s how people SHOULD treat people.

Yes, I still struggle with anxiety and depression, but those things will always be a part of me and I love that about me too. There is strength in weakness.

I still go to church even though I’m not perfect, because God doesn’t need me to be perfect. He just needs me to be good, and I am good. I am beautiful, strong and growing. I’m growing into all the things you wouldn’t recognize in me. The things that have always been there in the first place, they just needed to be let into the light.

The best part of my life today is that I am never as lonely as I was with you. The thing about being dead is you don’t know your dead. I am not dead anymore. I am at peace and I have so much love from my friends and family that it overflows from my heart and it spreads into the lives of those around me. I am better. I am living. Ultimately, I have you to thank for that.

Thank you for the pain. Thank you for walking away. Thank you for the lies, the apologies, the tears. Thank you for breaking me down into pieces so that I could build myself back up again. Thank you for rock bottom. Thank you from the depths of my crazy, imperfect, beautiful soul. I wish you all of the happiness in this world.

Respectfully, 

The one you made.

katvaldez