Remember when…


Remember that one time…when you thought your whole life was over?

We’ve all been there at different chapters in our life. Maybe your heart was broken once, or maybe you actually did the breaking. Maybe you lost a business, a friendship or a dream. Maybe the object of what you actually lost was something in yourself you thought you’d never get back, no matter how hard you tried. You felt absolutely hopeless, alone and utterly defeated. Maybe you are in that chapter right now and it’s just the absolute fucking worst. The sweatpants, the messy hair, the emptiness, the interventions … wait, was that just my story? 

Nevermind the minor details of what it looks like. The point is that life is messy. All of it! The ups, the downs; all of it is one big, beautiful mess that will break your heart six ways to Sunday. (#silverliningsplaybook) 

If you are in that part right now, if this is your chapter and you are drowning deep under the weight of it all, take a deep breath. Place your hand over your heart. Breathe. You feel that? 

Turns out, you are still alive! Yes, you might have fell apart for a long minute, but you’ve got this.

I started this blog about 3 years ago, mainly because I had a LOT to say about a LOT of emotions I was having and I couldn’t find anything else to relate to.

 There were several blogs on how juice cleanses can save your colon and your life, post divorce struggles with dating (mainly for people who have kids), beauty advice, unrealistic nutrition blogs, save your shitty marriage articles, build the perfect version of yourself because you are the problem blogs, etc. There was no one out there saying :” Hey, I just fucked everything up. I’m completely alone. I have wasted my whole life and I do not have any idea how to start over.” Because we don’t say things like that out loud as a society. 

Well, welcome to the club and to a new year into my little portal of the world, Living Out Loud, because “Keepin it Real” was taken. 

Seriously, I don’t have any easy answers or a list of herbs you can buy to change your life, but my hope is to help you realize you have all of the answers already within yourself. 

Last year, instead of making a resolution I would break, I picked a word to reflect my goals for that year. That word was “Present”. To be actively present in life and each moment of it. Pretty sure I smashed that goal! 🙌🏻 As a result, my bucket list achievements were surprising even to myself. (See previous post from the fall for that update.)

This idea of choosing a word instead of a resolution came from another blogger who referenced the “One Word”project. See the link below for info. and help selecting YOUR own word.

This is a great place to start if you are at a crossroads in life or just need a focal point.

 My word for 2017 has taken some careful time to select. I feel that the word I have chosen is an extension of being present and it’s exactly what I need to focus on this year. To stop beating myself up about those few extra pounds, or not being able to be everything to everyone all of the time. Turns out, I am not Nutella. I am pretty damn amazing though, so my word for 2017 is “Confidence”. 

The confidence to know that I am enough and I have always been enough in everything. That’s quite the challenge for me given all of my past experiences. The confidence to say thank you when people say “You’re beautiful!”, instead of remembering everyone who made me feel less than. To accept my success, grace and kindness instead of hiding so often behind the sarcasm and self loathing that has become all too familiar. This is a pretty real struggle for me. 

Whatever your struggle is, my hope is that by focusing on my own confidence I can also inspire something beautiful in you. Whether it’s a half smile, a distraction from a bad day, or actually helping you find your own confidence, I’m ecstatic for the opportunity!

With that said, if no one has told you lately. You are enough and I am so glad you are here. 

Stay tuned …. 




It’s 4am in my Seattle hotel room, overlooking downtown and Elliot Bay. 

The city is actually quite still. Minus 2 pedestrians on opposite blocks and one lonely car making it’s way through the rare absence of traffic. There are no longer flashing blue lights from the oversized plasma TV’s across from me or balconies full of people. Just the same dim and reassuring light in every other space. 

My black boots are slumped over in the corner, sad and silently mocking me. I sigh at the thought of wearing them around the city yesterday and almost falling twice. These used to be my favorite walking boots with just the right amount of heel. I’ve walked hundreds of miles in them, but it seems they are terribly worn out from my last few trips and so am I. Everything eventually falls apart.

You never really know what kind of shape you are in until you get outside of the gym. Walking 4 or 5 blocks up and down hills causes a swift realization that yes, you did actually gain 25 lbs last year. That actually happened. Several tight corners that I remember sliding through the last time I was here, I could now feel my hips touching. “Excuse me, excuse my huge ass please.”

 The good news is that I lost 6 lbs this month so far. The bad news is that yesterday I had 3 steak tacos, BBQ pork chop on a stick, crab Rangoon, divinity cookies, an entire bottle of wine, one beer (not light beer) and a value size bag of munchies, minus the pretzels. I can’t tell you today I’ll do better, because I’ve got plans. Plans to eat. It is a mini-break after all. Go on, judge me. 

I actually did buy some ambrosia apples and cherries as well, I didn’t mention those bc that’s healthy! That’s also about $25 here at the Pike Place market. $25 on fruit?! Yes, because I live in Alaska where every piece of fruit tastes like cardboard soaked in a different flavor of Capri sun. So whenever I get the chance to actually pluck a cherry from it’s overpriced, organically grown stem or pierce the flesh of a crisp, ripe apple with my teeth, I relish that opportunity. It’s the little things in life. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love Alaska. It’s where I lost myself 3 years ago, where I found myself too. It’s where my non-biological family lives, where my roots are stable and where I’ll grow old and die. Still complaining about the produce situation all the way to my grave. Yes, Alaska is my home and my sanctuary.

 Except in January when it’s dark and cold ALL of the time. In January, Alaska is the frozen tundra I need to escape from. Seattle is the perfect city for that escape. It’s just a 3 hour plane ride directly into the middle of a magazine, and lots of last minute deals make it cheap. I don’t have to be real here, anyone with a major credit card and bad habits are more than welcome. 

Escape is necessary. I needed to get away from my routine and all of my stuff or I felt like I was going to just lose it. 

Losing it is a familiar term for most adults. Losing it is when you don’t want to get out of bed, but you don’t want to deal with the consequences of not getting out of bed either. You are irritable, quick to snap, over caffeinated and sleep deprived. You can’t remember where anything is. Your entire life has become so busy trying to fix everyone else’s problem that your “self” is flat out starved. You’re starving to do/eat what you actually want to for just a day, starving to see the sunset instead of going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. Starving for sleep, for life, for water. Losing it.

The human body is over 50% water. If you take a glass of water half full and leave it in freezing cold temperatures for just a few hours, it becomes solid ice. If you do the same thing in temperatures too hot with high humidity, it slowly evaporates. 

It’s no wonder we are all starving for the same things when we are made up of the same parts.

Embrace your appetite.